Tears...flow into the river

BiG sIs's wEdDing d@y 21.11.09

2009-11-23T18:06:00.035+08:00

HoRRR@@Yy !!!

Here we are..the bride..my sister, evonne.

** make + ing up ** ** after **

and me !!

** make up + ing ** ** after **

hmm..we galz woke up early in the morning around 5am ..
awww...everyone is exhausted...T.T
BUT..we enjoyed it hehe...

SO NOW !!!!
Lets us welcome.. !!!
the newly husband n wife !!!!!

** evonne n jacky !! **

** baby brothers and sisters **

hmm..it is time to show u ..
my beloved daddy n mummy !!!!
hardly to get their faces in one pic okieee..haha..

** dadddaaaa...this is my papa n mama **

AND !!!!

** bro and GFs **

too bad..
I don't have the "welcoming sister-in-law ""pics...
sorry ya...

hmm as usual..
angpao is a must to give..haha...
games...kizzing...oppss..* shy * ...tea ceremony
will still carry on...

** can u c that my sis is soo hapi??^^ **

** my uncle, cousin and SISTER !!! ^^ **

nwae..there are a lotzz of pics more..
go to my facebook and have a look lu.. ^^

hmm lets proceed to afternoon and nitezz lu..
after the tea ceremony in my house...
hmm..lets drive.. to my sister-in-law's house lu...** bibbibibi bubububu **

** in sister-in-law's house..my sister very pretty hor...hehe..**

after this and that ceremony,
they went back to the hotel n hv a rest..
prepare for the nitezz... ^^

hmm...show u all my nitezz nitezz outlook..^^

** pretty?? haha..aiyoh nwae..
JiEr wun feel that I am pretty d.. T.T
hehe..maybe is true larr..not pretty T.T **

** " sister " haha..my mama larr..hehe ** ** nike, sab sab and min huey jie jie** ** min huey and my bro **

** registered as husband n wife on the stage^^**

Well...while dinner is going on..
camera is out again !!! ^^ haha...

** my cousin, ronald..not my new bf arr..hehe ** ** pretend to be very cold..hehe **

** auntiiee and uncleess..**

hmm ...
it was 11pm lu...
time to go home...!!! ^^

** sis's father n mother-in -law **

** sad to go home...T.T **

BUT...
Before that...
showed u funi faces !!! ^^

AT last...
I would like to hope that my sis would have a happi marriage..
appreciate wot u all have now o..^^

I also hope that I will be the galz with the wedding gown who stand beside JiEr
haha...
hmm hope he see this haha...^^

w@iting...

2009-11-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

it is late now..
I was abt to slp..
I did not receive any of the msg from him...
sad..I am tired...
so ...
I went on bed..n ZzZZ
BUT aft a while.he sms me 1 msg..to say..
can still tel him anything..
but he din reply me any..
wots the point of stil smsing him..
he said chatwit me later..it was 12am...
I m tired aft work...but he jz cant spared a little little moment for me..
but glad tht he sms me at 2355...
at least a msg...
I cant expect anyth from him le..
jz hope that he can sms me jz a 5 mins also okiee le....
hmm
while waiting him to finish game..
in order to keep mysel awake..
I can only cm to my blog...
I am tired yet still tel him I go n study..
nvm...
jz wait for him lu...
hope he appreciate it..
I noe he is going to sms me a few msgs only..
then he will start a new game again..
nvm den...
I am willing to follow
his footsteps.......

MEN

2009-11-18T11:50:00.001+08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think "it will get better"
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up..

Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships....
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful:

You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.

They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.

galzz...take care of your own hearts....

You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

day that have to work

2009-11-16T11:10:00.003+08:00

Finally

I have finished my assignment !!!! hooRRRAaayyYY!!!! Although assignment is off.. hmm what abt my sis..my boi..my studies...my exam and MY PATIENT in the hosp !!!! hmm seems lyk lofta things to settle n do it.. come on .. sabbiieee.. whr is ur fighting spirit !!!!! work hard !!!!! get some motivation.. huh?? from where??

Frenzz...family..???

NOPE...

It is JiEr !!!!
But I noe....

I have to work hard by myself..
haizz...

I noe I need him...
but he is just a guyzz..
who don't need me..
in fact sad to say that ....

** frenzz took my slping pic..
hmm I was totally exhausted **

2009-11-15T22:31:00.006+08:00

the hardest thing is to walk away from someone you loved so much, knowing you can't make them stay because their heart is not here to stay.

I am trying hard
it seems like...
everything has been changed..

I cant feel anything anymore
Where are u ?? I wondered...
I need u ..

He...
is leaving me I doubt...

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but anyone can start today and make a new ending

is he willing to do this??

I don't know...

I scared to reach the time that he is leaving me...
I wouldnt noe how to talk n communicate wit him..
haizzz...

I am sad...

Lately,
we did not chat much at all...
seems lyk u r avoiding me...

why ??

our relationship
bcm lyk this..??

Do u still luv me??

I need an answer....

The nitezz
This song
Made my tears flow into the river...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtdoviGf-Ag

oppss..I wouldn't know how to upload video haha..
but nwae..it is a nice song..
from janice wei lan
"goodbye"

離婚協議書...galzz...read this..

2009-11-13T20:01:00.002+08:00

嫁給這個男人五年了，我不知道我是否還愛他，記得剛新婚的時候，早晨時必定會在他懷抱中醒來，我總是紅著臉不敢說一聲早，怕嘴裡的口氣弄皺了他的眉，

漱口杯與牙刷堅持要和他用同款不同色，擺在一起看才有夫妻的感覺。

我會幫他打點上班的衣物，什麼襯衫配什麼領帶，經過我的審美才准他穿上身。

起了床到餐桌上，為了他的健康，我每天變換不同花樣的早餐，晴朗的天可能是培根蛋加上烤土司，有些下雨的話，或許來點小米粥搭醬瓜鹹蛋，要是陰天，不如就吃些外頭的燒餅油條和豆漿，招式用到我變不出新把戲，可是我樂此不疲。

除了當一個賢慧的妻子，我亦毫不掩飾對他的熱情，「我愛你」是每天恭送他出門上班一定說的話，然後附加一個親密的吻，即使他大多時候只是淺淺一笑，也足夠我高興個老半天。

但是，五年過去了。

我相信還不到癢的時候，可是到底是什麼改變了我和他的互動呢？

早晨起床，他的位置往往已空蕩，只能由皺褶的床單證實他確實存在過，即使他偶爾睡過了頭或者小賴一下床，也絕對是急急忙忙由床上跳起來，匆忙的梳洗著衣。

我已經快忘了被他擁抱迎接朝陽的感覺，盥洗室裡的漱口杯，在幾年前被打破後，再也找不到一模一樣的，而另一個也因為掉到馬桶裡，所以也換了新的。

五年內，牙刷已換了不知幾支，甚至有時我們睡迷糊了，還會用上同一支，什麼口氣的問題都不需要掩飾了，是否一樣顏色，一樣款式，他說這些根本不重要。

因此，洗手台上Hello Kitty和小叮噹圖樣，漱口杯左右對峙，小叮噹的杯裡插著一支綠色牙刷，是我的，Hello Kitty則是空的，因為他前一陣子已改用電動牙刷，擺在架子上。

分屬兩個不同故事的漱口杯，以及位於兩個不同位置的牙刷，彷彿在嘲諷我們的夫妻關係，漸行漸遠。

因為他出門的時間早，打點他的衣著已經不再是我的事，他自己會搞定。

早餐呢？很久沒有一起吃了，我同樣不必費盡心思去想菜單、查食譜，反正沒人賞光，更不用說「我愛你」這句話，還有熱情的早安吻，他無福消受，而且現在說起來也有些矯情了。

仔細想想，五年來，他沒有說過一次「我愛你」，一次也沒有。

我和他相聚的時間，嚴格上來說是從晚上七點開始，也就是他下班回來之後，如果他加班的話，那時間可能要延到十點、十一點。

剛結婚的時候，我為了他去學烹飪，「要抓住男人的心，先抓住他的胃」，我深信這個鐵律。

所以，一些餐館名菜常出現在我們餐桌上，宮保雞丁、五更腸旺、蔥油雞、東坡肉……等。

見他吃得高興，我也開懷，雖然不全是我愛吃的，但是他愛吃就好。

飯後，我們會依偎在沙發上看電視，我陪他看新聞，聽他評論國政、批判社情，

他陪我看八點檔，聽我調侃劇情、大哭大笑。

所以我知道行政院長、立法院長是什麼人，他也知道當紅的李世民是誰演的。

我沒有料到的是，五年的時間可以改變這一切，烹飪班我可以說是半途而廢，不知道從哪天起，

他開始干涉我做菜的方法，宮保雞丁他不喜歡太多辣椒，五更腸旺他開始抵制，蔥油雞叫我別淋油，連滷東坡肉要放多少醬油，他都有話說。

我做的菜漸漸變得簡單，烹飪班也不想去了，有時候一盤炒青菜、貢丸湯和皮蛋豆腐就打發掉他，他反而沒什麼意見。

我想，我抓不住他的胃。

隨著他加班次數的增加，我們甚少在一起看電視了，除了現任總統是陳水扁，我對於國家大事可說一無所知，而他，問都不用問台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰他絕對不可能知道。

夫妻之間開始言不及義，他對我說的話，大多都是「不用等我」、「早點睡」，我跟他說的話，也幾乎是「你回來了」、「菜在電鍋熱著」。

我們沒有相同的話題，沒有相同的興趣，除了「夫妻」名義上的聯繫，我們的交流空泛的可憐，比普通朋友還不如。

多可笑的夫妻關係，不是嗎？

婚前，我們曾描繪著未來的願景，他說要生兩個孩子，先男後女，哥哥可以保護妹妹，我卻認為應該先享受一段兩人生活，生孩子的時情倒不急於一時，只是我不想壞了他的興致，並沒有說出口。

婚後一陣子，他很積極的和我「創造宇宙繼起之生命」，他想要孩子，從他不戴保險套的行為可以看得出來，可是我還不想要，又怕他不高興，於是我背著他吃避孕藥。

記得那時，他還興沖沖的帶我到醫院探視一名女性朋友，她剛生完一個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，神色萎糜的躺在病床上。

我忘不了他隔著一塊玻璃看新生娃娃時，眼中綻放的神采，可是我更忘不了，那位女性朋友用著虛弱的語氣告訴我，

她整整痛了一天一夜，才求醫生由自然產改為剖腹產，我更不敢生小孩了。

五年後的今天，他似乎已經放棄生小孩這回事，畢竟只有他一頭熱是沒用的。

可是，待在他上班之後空洞的房子裡，我突然覺得生個孩子也不錯，至少屋子裡會熱鬧點，我的寂寞，也會少一點。

他早就在數年前就開始用保險套了，我不清楚是什麼讓他改變心意，不過這也鬆了我一口氣，我對避孕藥似乎過敏，不論換什麼牌子最後都落得一個水腫的下場。

我猜他六百多度的近視加閃光，應該看不出我水腫前和水腫後有什不一樣，重點是他的保險套解決了我一個大麻煩，同時又帶來另一個新煩惱。

我現在想要一個孩子了，他卻似乎不想，我不知怎麼跟他開口，更別提他頻繁的加班，晚上常累得倒頭就睡，如果我再開這個口，似乎變相增加他的壓力。

兩個人之間，已經夠低潮了，不需要再增加一個會引起衝突的話題。

在我們戀愛的時候，他很喜歡帶我到淡水，坐在河堤旁看落日，沿著碼頭走一遭，可以吃到不同口味的各式小吃，淡水的海產頗富盛名，他似乎是識途老馬，總知道哪家是最道地的。

有時候，他帶著我坐渡輪到對岸的八里，那裡熱鬧的只有一條路，賣的全是孔雀蛤，兩個人可以吃掉一大盤，還覺得意猶未盡。

他也會和我騎雙人腳踏車沿著淡水老街騎到淡海，再由淡海騎回來，沿路的風景不算十分迷人，但有種質樸的味道，兼之海風鹹鹹的打在臉上，我很享受這種氣氛。

當然，坐在腳踏車後座的我三天打漁兩天曬網，心情好的時候才踩兩下，他明知我偷懶，還是賣力的踩，我很懷念，真的即使過了五年，那段回憶仍然歷歷在目。

婚後到淡水的次數，除了新婚那一陣子，幾乎屈指可數，近兩、三年更是一次都沒去過。

每到假日，他不到中午不會起床，我見他這麼疲倦，當然也不會煩他帶我到處走走。

假日照理說，我和他應該可以有些交集可是他累，我只能自己找事做，和在上班工作的朋友出門逛逛街，聊聊是非，也順便埋怨一下他。

至於在家睡覺的他，午、晚飯，自己解決吧！

他不知道，在前幾個月，我耐不住無聊，自個兒坐捷運到了淡水。

果然，太久沒有去了，那裡已經變成一個我完全不認識的地方，

河堤旁的小吃攤不見了，全部集中在捷運站附近，過去我和他看夕陽的地方整修成一條長堤，僅供散步，路面變得乾淨整潔固然是好，但是收藏著我和他美好記憶的地方，消失了。

沒有他的帶路，我找不到道地的海產店，找不到好吃的小吃，自己一個人也騎不了雙人單車，但我驚訝的發現，淡水多了一個漁人碼頭，可以坐公車過去。

漁人碼頭，他的腳步沒有踏上過，我先了他一步，這是沒有他，只有我的經驗。

到了漁人碼頭邊，風景美復美矣，卻有種人工雕砌的做作，我以為花了幾百元搭乘藍色公路可以到對岸八里，就像渡輪一般，但那失了古風的遊艇卻繞了一大圈後又開回原點。

除了顛簸的船身搖得我頭暈目眩，我記不起來什麼美麗的風景，連孔雀蛤也沒撈到一粒，淡水變了，我和他的回憶，也變了。

某個早上，我特地比他早起，煮了頓睽違已久的豐盛早餐給他。

然後，沒有第三者，沒有爭吵．我遞出了離婚協議書。

那是我第一次看到他那麼震驚的表情，如果那天是愚人節，我想我成功了。

可是，我不會開那般惡劣的玩笑，他知道我是認真的，他沒有像一般男人一樣，暴跳如雷，開始數落女方的罪狀，也沒有哭哭啼啼，跪下哀求我留下，他只是極力冷靜自己的心緒，默不吭聲的接下協議書，開門，上班，一如往常。

他或許也察覺我們的夫妻關係到了一個瓶頸，也打算仔細考慮離婚的可行性，他近幾年的疏離，我沒有流下一滴眼淚，可是他這天的冷漠，幾乎傾盡我五年的淚水。

我有些後悔，這後悔逐漸蔓延，以心臟為一個起點，通傳至我的頭頂及腳趾。

但後悔又如何呢？

不快刀斬亂麻，也只是拖著一個平淡如水的日子，兩個人乾耗。

我不知道自己對他的愛剩多少，更不清楚他對我的愛剩多少。

嫁給他之前，我就知道他沈默寡言，嫁給他之後，自以為能改變他的我，並沒有改變他多少。

我的愛，還不足以改變他，他的愛，亦不足以為我改變，這大概是關鍵所在。

柴米油鹽醬醋茶會摧毀愛情的甜蜜，我嚐到了，但這卻是用五年換來的教訓。

趁現在，沒有孩子，沒有牽絆，我也不貪圖他什麼，該是離婚最好的時機吧！

抖著手在離婚協議書上簽下名的我，交給他之後他出去幾個小時了，我仍然在發抖，

這是一種未知的惶恐，我等他給我一個結果。

他冷淡了我五年後，又凌遲了我七天。

從離婚協議書交到他手上之後，整整一個星期，他不與我說一句話，也睡了七天的沙發，每天仍然照常上下班，除了更加冷淡，我感覺不到他的喜怒哀樂。

那張協議書，就算扔到垃圾筒裡，還會有觸動垃圾袋的聲音，可是他，一點聲音也沒有，我懷疑他根本不當一回事，一段時間不理會我，只是在看我會不會自己忘了離婚這回事。

我受不了了，他到底要怎麼做呢？

連離婚，也要離得這麼漠然嗎？

然而，七天之後的他，結結實實嚇了我一跳，一早，我聽到他在客廳起床的聲音，隔著門板聽不真切，我卻一直等不到他出去上班的關門聲。

一陣乒乒乓乓的金屬撞擊，取代了他一向安安靜靜的作息，我終於按捺不住起身察看，卻在開門後，聞到了一陣食物的香氣。

「起床了嗎？吃點蛋捲。」他笑著，如新婚時我吻他之後那般淺笑。

我心裡狠狠跳了一下，原以為古井不波的情緒，因他久違的體貼，而起了絲絲漣漪。

他還是那麼輕易的，可以撩動我的心，我不清楚他怎麼可以混到九點、十點還不去上班，他接收到我的疑惑，也只是淡然一笑，身上簡單的服裝一點兒上班的氣息都沒有。

可能他，也有工作疲乏吧！

也可能他要宣判了，關於那張離婚協議書，看他神色自若的樣子，我默默吃著早餐，幻想著等一下他會說的話。

他會不會乾脆的就離婚了呢？還是在我面前撕了協議書呢？

不可否認的，我的心，傾向後者。

「我升上經理了。」

他的第一句話，出乎我意料，下一句話，卻馬上進入重點，轟得我措手不及，

「工作上的事告一段落，現在要好好處理家裡的事。」

工作是排在家庭之前嗎？我苦笑。

「工作安頓好，我才能給妳安定的家。」

他像在解釋我的疑惑。

「所以，告訴我為什麼要離婚呢？」

他終於問了，臉色變得嚴肅。

他從來沒有用過這種質疑的口氣與我說話，望著他難得的厲色，我竟一句話也說不出來。

「妳覺得我冷淡妳了嗎？」

轉眼，他的態度忽而又變得自嘲，弄得我丈二金剛，「我就知道妳一個人在家老是胡思亂想。」

我和他長談了一整天，數個小時的談話，有五分之四的時間我是在哭的，因為我覺得自己犯了一個滔天大錯，可是有些事，沒有那張離婚協議書，我永遠不會知道。

他說，五年來，他確實每天都是抱著我醒來，只是後來他工作忙，起床時間變早，而我仍沈睡著，不知道罷了，有時他還會親親我的臉，看著我貪懶的睡顏，他不忍心叫醒我。

而擺在盥洗室的漱口杯，他根本搞不清楚小叮噹是他的或Hello Kitty才是他的，他以為粉紅色是女孩子的頻色，所以他一直用著小叮噹的嗽口杯。

原來，我們一直在無形間，做著親密的唇齒交流，可憐了Hello Kitty，擺在那兒沒人用，成了個裝飾品。

早餐，他吃的都是7-11，他承認很想念我做的早餐，可是他不好意思要我每天做給他，他知道我會擠盡腦汁變花樣，他捨不得看我太累。

「我娶妳，是希望妳享福，不是要妳來當女傭的。」

從他這句話開始，我便止不住眼淚。

提到他的衣著，他更是笑我的傻，他看得出來我會為他添新衣服，按顏色花樣在櫃裡整整齊齊的分類擺放，而新婚時期我常幫他搭配，久了他也知道我的喜好，什麼領帶配什麼衣服，他是為我而穿。

至於熱情的早安吻，每天他早在我熟睡間給我了，我卻兀自鑽牛角尖，認為他不需要我的吻。

「你為什麼從不說你愛我呢？」我噙著淚水問他。

「我以為妳知道，否則我們為什麼結婚呢？」

他理所當然回答。

是啊！我知道，我一直都知道，不然我不會嫁給他的，可是既然知道，我又何必強求他說出來呢？

女人都是需要一些愛語滋潤的，我想這就是理由，看著我控訴的眼光，我想他也知道理由了。

「妳做的大菜，很好吃可是那些菜費工夫，也不全是妳喜歡的，所以我寧可妳做些簡單的菜，最好是妳也喜歡吃。」

他一句一句的解釋，又讓我掉了一缸淚水，「妳不喜歡吃辣，因此我要妳少放辣椒，妳不吃內臟，那我也不吃，妳怕胖，所以料理時我希望油加少一點，醬油鹽份高，吃多腎臟負擔大，為了妳我健康著想，調味即可，不必加太多。」

只要是我煮的，他都喜歡，想想每次準備食物給他，他沒有一次不是吃光的，到底為什麼我會覺得抓不住他的胃呢？

所以，我也抓住了他的心嗎？

另一件令我驚訝的事，他真的知道台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰，即使猜得不完全正確。

「是劉文聰嗎？還是那個李正賢呢？晚上在公司加班，同事都會開電視來看，所以我多少也知道一點。」他撫去我臉上淚痕，笑問：「妳也在看嗎？」

「嗯。」我又想哭了，我真是小覷了那個節目的收視率。

「當上經理之後會比較少加班，那我們就一起看。」

他說得輕鬆，我卻鼻頭一陣酸楚。

我在意的，其實不是看什麼節目，管他行政院長、立法院長是誰，沒有他在身邊，看什麼都索然無味。

我發現，只要願意，兩個人什麼事都可以談，連我跟他解釋台灣霹靂火的劇情，一路聊到整容話題，他也聽得津津有味。

是我，是我封閉了自己，以為他不願意聽我說話、不願意對我說話。

他心疼我一個人在家裡，聊公司裡的事怕悶壞我，又見我一副不想搭理他的樣子，他每天只能摸摸一鼻子的灰。

無論他跟我說什麼，我都是愛聽的，可是我現在才讓他知道，夫妻兩浪費了幾年的時間在這種誤解之間打轉，他活該，我也活該。

「我很少看新聞，都不知道國家最近發生了什麼事。」

我這句話出口得有些抱怨。

「好，我以後每天當妳的新聞台。」他溫柔的笑了。

聊到生孩子的事，他先是一陣默然。

「我想生一個孩子。」這時候，我有勇氣說出口了。

「我以為妳不想，剛結婚那一陣子，妳不是一直吃避孕藥嗎？」難得聽到他有些怪罪的語氣。

進一步了解之後，我才發現，他一直知道我在吃藥，或許是我哪次把藥隨便擱在化粧台上，被他看到了，他徹底了解我不想要孩子。

而他也知道，我吃完藥隔天會有水腫的現象，身子骨纖細的我，一雙腳腫得跟象腿一樣，也只有我這種人的鴕鳥心態，才會認為他不會發現。

後來我養成習慣將藥好好放在抽屜中，他以為我不再吃，怕身子水腫難受，所以他戴起保險套，說來說去，還是為了我。

「妳又水腫了嗎？一直哭個不停，是想把身體裡的水逼出來嗎？」

他居然敢揶揄我，免不了得到我飽以老拳。

他還是想要孩子的，聽完我說想生孩子，他眼下興奮的光芒大大的告訴我這一點。

只不過，那抹光芒在閃爍之後隨即斂去，他又正襟危坐的問了我一個問題。

「妳真的想生嗎？」

「想啊！我一個人在家好無聊。」

「只是因為無聊嗎？如果一個人在家無聊，妳想出去學東西、去工作、和朋友去逛街，我不會阻撓妳。」

「你不是也想嗎？」我生氣了，縱然淚眼婆娑沒什麼說服力。

他開始說起那個四千兩百公克的巨嬰，原來那名女性朋友的經驗不僅嚇到我，也嚇到他了。

他不希望我生孩子還要受極大的痛苦，什麼剖腹產、自然產，他一點概念也沒有，只知道一定會很痛，他明白我怕痛，所以他捨棄了生孩子的想法。

「我不管，我要生。」明瞭了他的想法後，我更希望替他生一個孩子，身體裡流著我和他血液的孩子。

「那就生吧！」他悄悄的在我耳邊說了一句令我臉紅的話。

「你這麼有精力，不是上班很累嗎？」

我狐疑他話裡的真實性。

經他解釋，我才恍然大悟，就算工作累，他偶爾也有慾望，有時晚上摟著我，又看我睡得香甜，這種看得到吃不到的痛苦，他只能鬱鬱的悶在自己心裡，

面對他的心意，我，真的無言了。

在我像兩顆水蜜桃的雙眼略為消腫後，他催我換衣服，帶我出門。

已經好久沒和他一起出遊了，在兩人間的冷淡破冰後，坐在他身邊竟也給我當初戀愛的感覺。

我凝望著他專心駕駛的側臉，將他的動作姿態深深刻在心裡，因為我差點忘了，我和他之間還橫著一個問題，那張離婚協議書。

我要一輩子記住他的模樣，如果他最後仍是簽了名，可是，他應該不會簽吧！

否則，他何必和我討論生孩子的事。

「到了。」他停車，我也隨之下車。

海風迎面吹來，是淡水。

他也記得這個地方，這個我們記憶珍藏的地方。

「我一直想帶妳來，可是妳假日都和朋友出門，我只好蒙著棉被在家睡覺。」他如此說道。

這是個什麼烏龍呢？

我體諒他工作累，他體諒我和朋友出門，就這樣我們錯過了，一次又一次的相伴。

「你以後想幹什麼，可以直接說。」我惱火的盯著他。

「妳也是。」他正經八百的回視我，言下之意是要我別五十步笑百步。

說來也好笑，我們一直認為自己是在為對方著想，以自己的方式去體貼對方，這種自以為是卻導致了無數個陰錯陽差，一直到我開始懷疑自己不愛他，他也不愛我了，才驚覺這份愛並不是消逝，而是溶入了生活之中，自然的讓人忘了它的存在。

愛情的表現，可以是黏膩、親熱、奉獻、祝福，甚至是退讓，每個人的方式不同，會導致的結果各異。

我的方式是盲目的付出，他的方式是全然的關懷，乍看之下兩個人都沒錯，可是無論什麼方式，中間少了一種叫「溝通」的元素，就容易導致裂痕。

我們的婚姻，就是建築在這種缺乏溝通的空中樓閣之上，嫁給這個男人五年了，我以為我漸漸的不愛他，但只是一番簡單的剖白心意，我對他所有的愛再度復活，甚而轉濃。

女人會因男人長久的冷落而對愛情失望，也可以因男人一句話又對愛情充滿希望，

我不想和他離婚，一點兒也不想，當初硬著頭皮簽下名，或許只是賭氣，只是要他正眼看看我。

可是 ……

「那、那張離婚協議書……。」我要收回來。

「在公司裡。」他好整以暇，「公司的碎紙機裡。」

這個意思是… …？

「妳想離婚，等我成為亡夫時再說吧！」

我估量不出他說這句話，是不是在開玩笑，不過他又騙到我的淚水。

他真的很愛我，即使他沒有說過，我想如果我堅持離婚，他會放我走的，他捨不得見我難過，就像他見我掉淚又趕快摟住我一樣。

倘若，是他想離婚呢？

恕我自私，我是堅決不會放的，除非等我變成亡妻，同樣因為他捨不得見我難過，我自信可以留住他。

「淡水整個都變了，我都快不認識了。」

哄完了我，他連忙帶開話題。

「我來過，我知道有什麼景點。」

「那這次就要靠妳帶路囉！」

是啊！我們可以開創新的回憶，只要有我也有他，什麼時間地點都不成問題。

結婚五年，

我又發現了一次愛情。

完*

nItezz... today

2009-11-09T21:17:00.006+08:00

today...tonitezz..
will be...
a lonely nitezz..
nobody will be there for me anymore...
did I do a wrong mistakes...
perhaps...I hope it is not...

** remember this face??...
my emotion is always lyk that even though I am unhapi .. hehe **

"When unhappy, one doubts everything; when happy, one doubts nothing"

Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps till the legend, "over steep ways to the stars"

hope that I will stay strong..
I am stress recently...
seems lyk..
time is not enough for me...
I need smbody to be wit me...
I need a space...
to express my feeling...
it is only..HERE...
the only space for me to express my own feeling..
I noe...
he will never come n hv a luk...
cuzz there is nth attractive to make him to view dis blog... ;)
I mizz the past of him...
is alwz mine alone..
but now...
I felt lyk he is being shared out...
sad to say that...
I am trying my bezz...
I really struggle a lotzz...
staying under a stress circumstances...
but yet...relationship seems lyk adding on stress to me..
I dunno why...mayb..
I am the wan hu hving lotzz of probs and difficult to stay wit.
nvm..I understand...
the one I luv the most...always cant communicate wit me..and stay wit me..
experienced before...
again..dis type of relationship comes again...
in fact..should I used to it...
I am jz lyk that...
wait to be " kick out from the round "
IF the something really don't belong to me..
I think..
I should let go of my hand..
cuzz I believe in fate and gdwill..

I mizz the sweettiizz moment...
I mizz the happiiee moment...
but I noe..
everything has bcm a fact...
b hapi..appreciate wot u have now...
jz be urself...
do your work well everyday..
u can overcome the stress d..

jia you..sab sab ^^

DiGi bRo@db@nd !!!!! ^^

2009-11-07T21:17:00.004+08:00

** I think I should gv IT a name horr.. ** hehe..

aaarrhhahaha...
FINALLY registered DigI broAdbanD !!! ^^
the requirement is that..

1. monthly fees is RM 58 and free modem
(for student only age between 18 - 25 yrs old )

2. usage volume up to 3GB.. extra charges
for additional usage

3. average download speed is 700kbps , upload
speed is 200kbps

4. advance payment RM100 is required
( non refundable )

hmm..speed is not that fast..but I don't play game.
jz for normal used..
would be okiee for me..
hmm the modem is convenient for me..yeah..
cuzz I can bring it whenever I Am under training in hospital..
cuzz I hv to rent a room that near the hospital alwz..
so..
I can on9 whenever I lyk lu..
LURRVVIIEE !!!!
I do receive some gud comments regarding that..
hope Digi Broadband is improving.. !!!!
dun bring disappointment ya.. hehe..
going to port dickson hospital on mon lu !!!
3 more weeks to go..
Exam is coming !!!! then I will be
RELEASED !!!! haha...
HOLiD@y !!!! ^^

wIsh to be Pampered...

2009-11-07T19:52:00.007+08:00

recently..I am so BLOOOOODY TIRED !!!!

working everyday..from morning 7am till 2pm..but I have to wake up at 4.45am to prepare and go to hospital by train...T.T...and I do not have the chance to go home on time after work..normally will finish work at 2.30pm..reach home about 3.30pm..haizzz..
it is SOOOO TIRING !!!!
have to do assignment..do revision for the semester exam.. T.T
I mizz him a lotzzz...but I Seems lyk alwz make him angry o..
dunno wots wrong wit me..or I think I dun understand him in fact..
haizz..everyday nitezz......

maybe is...
I too mizz him I think...
wish to be pampered...
mizz the time we had together...
hapi alwz...sweetiiee alwz..
I noe..he is ego..don't say sweetzz stuffs...dun read blog..
dun view my facebook profile...
hmm but...
I am jz lyk others...
alwz view bf's profile or something that related to him....
everyday..on+ing his profile...luk at it...stare at it..
mizzes him.. so hope that he is just like me... I noe he dun stare n luk it more than 2 mins...haha...
whenever I watched any show that related to sweettiee couple..
couple holding hands together..watching movies...hving dinners...
I will think of him... tears roll around my eyes..

I am watching this old drama also..it is about nurses stories..actress is 佘诗曼
very funi n cuttieee..hmm she is jz lyk me..hope to be pampered by her bf too..
but her bf never understand that..she need him a lotzz...and alwz..
he is gud d...dun worry..I am stil staying gud..frenzz..
well ...I have chosen him...without any regretful ba...
hope he is too...
huggiiess...a kizzz...the moment we had...
I mizz it...
I Wouldnt noe...

when will and can I see him again...??

p/s ** do stay hapi wit ur luved one.. dun feel regretful..hold tightly until the end
if u have the chance to do so... **

mEmoRiessss...mIsseEesss..

2009-11-02T10:50:00.008+08:00

** the time in one UTAMA !! **
fRennzz...
how are u all doing dere??
working?? studying?? relaxing at home??
kinda mizz u all..mizz the time we went karaoke..especially...
my S.H.E...
mizz both of u galzz !!!! ** KAHMUN & VON VON **
wot abt..JOANNE ??!!!
mizz her the MOST !!!!

** boring in clazz **

I won't forget LYDIA & JIA YI !!!!
tkzzz for ur support..during my hard time..
really tkzz both of u ..and kahmun n yvonne larr..hehe..

** sha po(s) taking pic in lydia's room **

hope that both of u still remember wot happened last time hehe..
tkzz a lotzz to u galzz...

aaRRRhhhAAAA !!!!!
I won't mizz out a galzz...she is my LAB partner..!!!!

JING JING ZAI !!!!!

** we took many pics in lab ya.. shhh !! **
(this is just one of the pics hehe...)

AND ......!!!!!
I want to tkzz colleen...wun khang..reban...tze lek..
hui wen..ann ann..pei ling and
many frenz n many frenzz...dun worry that I Will forget u if your name is not mentioned here..
I will alwz remember the time we had together..!!!!!!
frenzz...
study hard and play hard alwzz !!!!!
hope to meet u all once again !!!!! ^^
take care..stay cool !!!*^^*

h@pI d@y in pYr@mid !!!!

2009-11-01T00:17:00.009+08:00

hOppIEee hoPpieee L@l@L@L@...

today went out wit jier n his frenzz...haappiiee..
we went to amp square...movie..and shogun...
we watched jennifer's body...

hmm..I dun think it is a nice movie nwae..
it made me fal alsp ...hmm yuppiee megan fox is hot in the movie..
but...plzz dun expect much for this movie...hehe...
hmm after movie...we go to .....

SHOGUN !!!!!
happpiiee..happiiiee...
eating....picturing....chatting...joking..!!!
hapi to spend time wit ah jier zai...
hardly to see him...
mizz him ...
we took pictures in shogun time...no time to take during karaoking and movie time..!!!!

** these are the food that filled our tummy** hehe...

** funi chopsticks style of us **

** ah jier zai n me me me **

** shogun kaki..mizz out 3 frenzz..T.T **

** ah jier zai is thinking of me ** hehe *^^*

hmm...we went back at around 10.15pm..sobbiiee..
I wouldnt noe when can I meet ah jier zai again..
mizz him lotzz for sure..I will alwz drop a few tears when I am alone in room..
hope he is alwz wit me..
take care my frenzz..and...my boi..
JiEr....^^

mY thUrs...FrI and s@t !!! ^^

2009-10-28T22:19:00.009+08:00

yOppIIEE !!!! yOOppPIIEE !!!
can u all c my hapPpIIEEee faceeee???!!!
hehe...
cUZZzz...hooRR@@YY..!!!
aH JiEr z@i is coMING tomorrow..!!!
wowOWwo LaaALALaala !!!!
hmm mIzzZZeess Him !!!
**opps cant show him that I miss him hehe **
and surprisingly...
xiao jing is coming to kl on fri too..
so we frenzz will going to eat dinner together...
although it is not a complete frenzz dinner together..
hehe..nwae..better than nth...missess them too !!!!
hmm joanne n lydia..hohoho...
coming to IMU !!!!
muaacckiiee !! muackkkiee !!!!
welcome to I...aM....U !!!! hehe...
hmm during the 2nd week of working in hospital...
T.T....I Started to deal with ...
wAtcH out !!!
aaARRGGHH !!! ssSOOBBIEEE...
daMn disGusting d...
bUT.. aRRr haAAA...
i am S@b z@i...
Sure cAn overcome It d...hehe...
yuppiee!!!!
I really did a gud job ohh ! hehe....

** my pic a little bit funi horr ** hehe..

I will keep it hard d...for my nursing...for my future !!
frenzz too...kampahteh..dentistry..!!! meDic !!!
lets work together...maybe can own a hospital hehe... =D
okieee...I got to..SLeeEPp lu..nitez nitezz..

mY Lifeee...

2009-10-25T21:43:00.002+08:00

Today onwards....
I think....I should continue wit this blog...

how is my life??nursing?? hmmm...
GREATZZZ !!!! haha...really...
I learnt a lotzz of stuffs !!!! tel u frenzz..how is my life going...
now...I am under training in a hospital...
I saw a lotzz of different cases....
I have a TB patient and stage 4 larynx CANCER !!!
it kinda...NO HOPE !!!!!
anth cases...fracture leg...abdomen prob..
wot cases also hv....
that mk me treausre my life lotzz...
OUR Life is unpredictable....
but I think....we can change our destiny....
luv urself....and the one u luv..
GOD...may be taken ur life away anytime..any moment...
do treasure the time u have wit ur luv one n family...
spend time wisely alwz...
me..myself...
did I treasure my days alwz??
hopefully yes.....
after my work or studies..
everyday...I stay in my room...watching PPS !!!! ( kinda online show )
do homework...revision...sms wit jier and sleep....
my life is jz lyk this....
but I do enjoy lotz...being alone here...
have my own room....
my pace can go slower during the nitezz....
alwz enjoy the time I hv in my room...
although it is jz watching show and sms ....
it is rili a GREATZZ MOMENT for me...
why makes life so tough...
try to slow down ur pace....
u will smth nice around u .....
play hard frenzz....

S@b s@b is BACK !!!!

2009-10-25T21:01:00.003+08:00

HoOrR@@Yy!!!!s@b z@i is bACK!!!
wanted to stop this blog d..but I think I cant let my effort vanish lyk that..T.T
hmm wot shld I tok abt it 1st...long time din write lu..
hmm nwae..mizz all the frenzz..frenzz is rili important as I jz realized..
I think I neglected my bezz frenzz...lin zai...but we do contact wit each other once a while..
my boi boi...JiEr...
I think everybody knows abt him le...
went for IMU interview...waitting for offer letter...
hope he is here with me for the next few months...
NEXT...is @nne @nne...JOANNE !!!!! mizzes her too...
alwz listen to my nagging...but..hapi that..
WE ArE gOINg tO sTAy tOGetHer next yr...WOwowOWWO...
mizz the time we hang out together....go steamboat...chiong K...pasar malam...!!!!!
she will bring her wii to our new rental apartment..hehe..
cuzz of the wii...lydia n yvonne wanted to stay wit us too...haha...
and LYDIA !! is going to bring her LCD TV over if possible..hehe....
hmm I Will more luking forward to WII n LCD TV..instead of those people larr hehe... :p
hmm frenzz..nwae..dun worry...I am doing well here...I am currently..working in hospital lu...
for 6 weeks..then aft that will be my end of semester exam...!!!!
I will work hard for it !!! yeah yeah !!!!!
pray hard for me okiee...!!!! ^^

r3WindIng tIme....^^

2009-04-15T16:05:00.045+08:00

What were we in the PAST 18 years...???
hmm... a galzz who luv to celebrate BirTHd@y..???

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Y3@h ... THIS is my babe jier ...!!!!!^^

Is thAT cutttiieeee... hehe...so sorry that I did not post up jier's pic..
cuz he said..he don't have it..seriously don't have it ya..hehe...
okiieeee....are u ready for the next stage???
hmmm...after a small galzz galzz n boyzz boyzz...what's next..???
We gRew UP....hehe..
**( due to insufficient pics....lets skip to stage 2 ...) hehe.. **

SecOndAry PeRiod....

s@b s@b !!!!..with my frenzz..!!!!
hmm..I am already so pretty during that period le..
haha...

but..my frenz is also pretty lar..

Let's scroll down and check out..babe jier...
LADIES n GENTLEMEN..
.Let's US PUT OUR HANDsss TOGETHER...

to WELCOME..Mr TAN WEEI JIER !!!!....

and the snoopy..hehe..

This is the LoOk of My b@be JiEr lu..
he is already quite handsome during that period lorr..
hehe...

What a coincidence...
Both of us met in...
Kuala Lumpur Sunway University College...!!!
and..took up the same course..

GCE ' A ' Levels ...!!!!

However...
We did not meet each other until...1 day....
3/5/08....
eh eh eh...I am not going to show u pic first..
hehe...be patient...
Let's rewind the time first..hehe..
What am I ..before I Met him...

Taking silly pics with frenzz..
haha...

What abOut ah kit...
hmm..u galzz know who was his target before he met me right???
okieee...so lets skip that part...hehe...

hmm..erm...
Finally...we met each other on 3/5/08 ( foyer )
We took the first pic !!!!!!!

hmm..what a pair of compatible " frenzz " ...haha...
ohh... I was not attracted by him during that time..hehe..

A group of frenzz went for lunch at chicken buffet together...
I was not sitting with him anyway..
however...when group was almost dismissed..
I think...I saw somebody ***** which is..babe jier lu...haha.. ****
After that...I asked colleen to call up babe jier to watch movie with us
at nitez...
I have to really thankzz COLLEEN for helping me to check out
babe jier's phone number...
Until today... I still cant figure it out..how colleen got babe jier's number...haha...

At last we went for movies..for a few times...

We took this during one of the
matchmaking session...
hehe...

hmm..under the
matchmaking session that organised by
MISS LOW ANN ANN ....

Finally...we became a pair of
compatible "couple" !!!!!!

A word.." couple " comes to us on 14/5/08...

hmmm...what a nice try ..!!!!
Time flies fast...
It is almost a year...
we had a great year 2008-2009..

--- EdItEd pIctuRe

We went to genting with frenzz..^^

WeBc@minG sEsSiOn!!!!!

I am glad to have him to be my boyzz...
this is so called...FATE !!!! I think...

I enjoy the time with him..
he is caring n nice...
what do u all think about him..??
NO comment right??
hehe...please say...no comment...hehe...
He is always the bezzz in my heart..
serious...my bezz frenzz ...LIN Z@I
can be my witness...hehe
Moreover..I would like to tkzzz..
all of my frenz..
it is really lucky to have u galzz...
THANKSZZZZ...^^

Although I know that..I am
a kind of jealousy galz galzz...
angry n unhappy easily..
My boyzz...give me a chance and forgive me always...
I learnt to be treasure...
Time is really precious...
Enjoy the moment that we have..

I wouldn't know...what and where are we...in the end...
However...
I would just like to say...
No one can replace u in my heart...

Thankzzz u ..my dear...

p/s : galzz...treasure the time u all have ya..
try not to quarrel with ur boyzz or galzz ya...
I am trying too...hehe ^^